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railroad path

railroad path

I am beginning to feel myself again, crazy as I am at times.

Sometimes it seems my brain is fragmenting itself, and I need to go around like a cleaning woman and gather up all the pieces and rearrange some of the parts.

Other times I am tracking and on top of my executive functions.  But they can go so quickly.

On occasion I find myself crying with a patient.  Moments with them can be so tender and revealing of life’s most intimate realities and it is those realities that are painful.  Loss of those experiences, recognizing my limitations and how inaccessible some of the those experiences I have taken for granted have become is a sad reality.

Yesterday a couple were reveling in their newly regrown love affair with one another and there I was–tearing up.  My clients are very understanding each time this happens.  We go on a sideline for a while and come back.  I am sure it is meaningful to them in some ways, but it is tough for me to have the boundary of self-revelation become so porous.

I think it reflects a positive quality about my nature. .

And most folks I see recognize this and appreciate it.

Now, back to my changes:

I can spend time with my grandchildren without being self-preoccupied.

I can go to the movie and enjoy the plot line without interruption  (Wall-E, last Saturday night on the lawn at the town hall).

I can sit still and enjoy the conversation of others.

I can make it through a staff meeting without having to get up and leave.

I can enjoy being in the shower and not cry there.

Not bad.  Maybe I’ll have a future that is fulfilling in some new and different ways.

Lewis is irreplaceable.  No one could love me like he loved me or be so compatible with me.  No one.

What an extraordinary blessing we had to have spent all these years together and to have raised our fine sons and have five precious years with granddaughters.

How blessed.   Very blessed.

memorial stone love knot

memorial stone love knot

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Joan of Arc

I know this now. Every man gives his life for what he believes. Every woman gives her life for what she believes. Sometimes people believe in little or nothing yet they give their lives to that little or nothing. One life is all we have and we live it as we believe in living it. And then it is gone. But to sacrifice what you are and live without belief, that's more terrible than dying.--

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Beannacht

On the day when
the weight deadens
on your shoulders
and you stumble,
may the clay dance
to balance you.

And when your eyes
freeze behind
the grey window
and the ghost of loss
gets in to you,
may a flock of colours,
indigo, red, green,
and azure blue
come to awaken in you
a meadow of delight.

When the canvas frays
in the currach of thought
and a stain of ocean
blackens beneath you,
may there come across the waters
a path of yellow moonlight
to bring you safely home.

May the nourishment of the earth be yours,
may the clarity of light be yours,
may the fluency of the ocean be yours,
may the protection of the ancestors be yours.
And so may a slow
wind work these words
of love around you,
an invisible cloak
to mind your life.

John O'Donohue, Echoes of Memory