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10 Ways to Bypass the Real. ~ Jeff Brown

Via Jeff Brownon Mar 20, 2014

The Woods

In 1984, psychologist and author John Welwood coined the term “spiritual bypass.”

In Soulshaping, I defined the spiritual bypass “as the tendency to jump to spirit prematurely, usually in an effort to avoid various aspects of earthly reality.” This way of being was very familiar to me, as I have often displayed a tendency to bypass uncomfortable truths by jumping to divinity.

On a pogo-stick to the stars, I enjoyed the opportunity to pseudo-transcend the dualities before inevitably crashing back to earth to deal with my unfinished business.

In Soulshaping, I also acknowledged the need for bypass techniques in a still difficult world:

“In a world of pain, the spiritual bypass is an ongoing temptation. It gives us something to believe in and a vision of what we are missing in our localized reality. Without it, many of us would have to suffer unbearable situations. At the same time, it can be a detour on the path to genuine spirituality. In our efforts to leapfrog to something better, we often avoid something crucial. Spirit becomes the crutch rather than the expression of a natural unfolding.”

Subsequently, Robert Augustus Masters dedicated an entire book to this important topic—”Spiritual Bypassing- When Spirituality Disconnects Us from What Really Matters.”

As the term grows in popularity, I have noticed that it has taken on a very broad application, not uncommon with terms of art that morph into labels. In an effort to avoid its over-generalized and unattuned usage, I want to make a distinction between different forms of bypassing and shadow jumping, for they surely come in many forms.

The following list arose through observations of my own patterns and is intended as a self-assessment tool, one that can be used to support your own efforts to recognize and transform your methods of self-distraction.Some can be understood as branches of the spiritual bypass tree, while others have a meaningfully different quality.

This is, of course, not an exhaustive list, as there are as many ways to avoid reality as there are humans, but I am particularly interested in some of the ways that self-avoidance paths mask as enlightenment in the spiritual community in particular:

1.   The positivity bypass (aka the bliss bypass)—The tendency to feign positivity/bliss in an effort to sidestep or rise above the unhealed shadow. Often associated with the ungrounded “It’s all Good” mantra.

2.  The cerebral bypass—The tendency to seek refuge in the mind, to live in and through thoughts alone, to over-intellectualize the moment. Head-tripping in an effort to detach from the world of feeling. Often manifest as a profound capacity to articulate consciousness models and inquiries with little capacity to hearticulate and embody felt experience.

3.   The witness bypass—The tendency to live in witness-observer consciousness, to stare at our unresolved pain body across the room and imagine ourselves present, to confuse helpful detachment practices with life itself. Meanwhile, our unresolved pain is congealing into weapons that turn inward against the self. Often manifest as a kind of glossy eyed pseudo-equanimity with reduced affect.

4.   The pragmatism bypass—That is, remaining perpetually focused on practical reality in an effort to avoid an experience of unity, the bigger picture. Often manifest in great success in the material world, but a spiritually bankrupt life.

5.   The All-One bypass—That is, remaining perpetually focused on unity consciousness in an effort to avoid our particular issues, challenges and practical needs. Often manifest as an ungrounded inability to meet grounded, basic needs while floating off into the great mystery.

6.   The Non-Duality bypass—The tendency to self-identify as a non-dualist in an effort to transcend the human fray. Non-dual bypassers tend to conveniently remove everything that makes them uncomfortable from their unified framework- personal identifications, the unhealed emotional body, the entire ego, the self, the body- in an effort to transcend their humanness. Of course, there is nothing non-dual about it. Our humanness is the grist for the soul-mill. Without it, we can’t grow toward an authentic, sustainable experience of non-separateness.

7.  The Accountability Bypass- The tendency to use ‘mirror/reflection’ and ‘no judgment’ techniques in an effort to sidestep our own responsibility or the responsibility of others for wrong action. Lodged in the ungrounded notion that there is no wrongdoing, the effect of these practices is to condone and perpetuate unhealthy behaviors and to discourage victims from their rightful and necessary healing process.

8.   The You are not your story Bypass—The tendency to flee painful and confusing elements of our life experiences by disparaging story. Yes, we are often so much more than our stories, but let’ not throw the whole story out with the bath water. We also are our stories. At the heart of our story are the personal identifications, emotional material and unresolved issues that are the grist for the soul mill for our spiritual expansion. Without karmic clay to work through and with, our expansion is stalled.

9.   The Karmic Contract Bypass—The tendency to attribute every single event on the planet to universal or soulular intentionality—that is, “you must have chosen it,” it was destined, it reflects your vibration, “everything happens for a reason”—in an effort to flee the painful, mysterious and misguided nature of many events and experiences. Those who participate in this bypass technique have a tendency to shame and shun their own experience, and to do the same to others where compassion and healing are required.

And my own, as yet unworked through tendency…

10.  The Forgiveness Bypass—The tendency to avoid unresolved emotions and relational experiences by feigning forgiveness. Premature forgiveness. Often manifest in a tendency to shame those who haven’t forgiven, as though forgiving a wrongdoer is more important than healing itself. Real forgiveness requires a genuine working through of the emotions and memories related to our experiences. And, at the end of that process, it is the victim’s choice as to whether they choose to forgive.

Jeff Brown, former criminal lawyer and psychotherapist, Jeff Brown is the author of the best-selling book Soulshaping: A Journey of Self-Creation, and a popular book of spiritual graffiti- Ascending with Both Feet on the Ground. Endorsed by Oprah’s Soul Series radio host Elizabeth Lesser, authors Oriah Mountain Dreamer and Katherine Woodward Thomas, Ascending is a collection of some of Jeff’s most popular spiritual graffiti quotes, soul-bytes and aphorisms frequently shared in social media. He has been interviewed by CNN radio, appeared on Fox News.com, and written popular inspirations for ABC S Good Morning America. He is also the author of the viral blog Apologies to the Divine Feminine (from a warrior in transition) and the producer and key journeyer in the award winning spiritual documentary – Karmageddon- which also stars Ram Dass, Seane Corn, Wah! David Life, Deva Premal and Miten. His newest book- Love It Forward- is now published. Endorsed by best-selling authors Andrew Harvey and Caroline Myss, Love It Forward is another book of Jeff’s most impactful quotes and writings, with a strong emphasis on love and relationship quotes. You can check out his work at Soulshaping.

(CNN) – Good afternoon, everybody.  And thank you, Christian, for that outstanding introduction.   And thank you for cheering for the White Sox, which is the right thing to do.

Like your parents and your teachers, I could not be prouder of you, I could not be prouder of the other young men who were here today. But just so that you are clear, you are only excused for day of school.

And I’m assuming you have your assignments with you so you can catch up, perhaps even on the flight back. 

As Christian mentioned, I first met Christian about a year ago. I visited the Hyde Park Academy in Chicago only about a mile from my house. And Christian was part of this program called “Becoming a Man.” It was a program that the Mayor Rahm Emmanuel introduced to me. And it helps(ed) young men who show a lot potential and may have gotten in some trouble to stay on the right path. They gpt help with school work, but they also learned life skills, like how to be a responsible citizen, and how to deal with life’s challenges, and how to manage frustrations in a constructive way, and how to set goals for themselves. It works. One study found among young man who participated, arrests for violent crimes dropped 44 percent. And they were more likely to graduate from high school.

So as Christian mentioned, during my visit, they’re in a circle, and I sat down in the circle, and we went around, led by their counselor, and guys talked about their lives, talked about their stories, talked about what they were struggling with and how they were trying to do the right thing, and they didn’t always do the right thing.

And when it was my turn, I explained to them when I was their age, I was a lot like them. I didn’t have a dad in the house. And I was angry about it, even though I didn’t necessarily realized at the time. I made bad choices. I got high without always thinking about the harm that it could do. I didn’t always take school as seriously as I should have. I made excuses. Sometimes I sold myself short.

And I remember when I was saying this, Christian, you may remember this — after I was finished, the guy sitting next to me said, “Are you talking about you?” I said, “yes.”

And the point was I could see myself in these young men. And the only difference is that I grew up in an environment that was a little bit more forgiving. So when I made a mistake, the consequences were not as severe. I had people who encouraged me, not just my mom and grandparents, but wonderful teachers and community leaders. And they pushed me to work hard and study hard and make the most of myself. And If I didn’t listen, they said it again. And if I didn’t listen, they said it a third time and they would give me second chances and third chances. They never gave up on me, and so I didn’t give up on myself.

I told these young men my story then, and I repeat it now, because I firmly believe that every child deserves the same chances that I had.

That’s why we are here today, to do what we can in this year of action to give more young Americans the support they need to make good choices, and to be resilient and overcome obstacles and achieve their dreams.

This is an issue of national importance. This is as important as any issue that I work on. It’s an issue that goes to the very heart of why I ran for president.

Because if America stands for anything, it stands for the idea of opportunity for everybody. The notion that no matter who you are or where you came from, or the circumstances into which you are born, if you work hard, if you take responsibility, then you can make it in this country.

That’s the core idea. That’s the idea behind everything that I will do this year and for the rest of my presidency. Because at a time when the economy is growing, we’ve got to make sure that every American shares in that growth, not just a few, and that means guaranteeing every child in America has access to a world class education. It means creating more jobs and empowering more workers with the skills they need to do those jobs. It means making sure that hard work pays off with wages you can live on, and savings you can retire on and health care that you can count on. It means building more ladders of opportunity and the middle class for anybody who is willing to work hard to climb it. Those are national issues. They have an impact on everybody.

And the problem of stagnant wages, and economic insecurity and stalled mobility are issues that affect all demographic groups across the country. My administration’s policies from early childhood education to job training to minimum wages are designed to give a hand up to everybody, every child, every American willing to work hard and take responsibility for their own success. That’s the larger agenda.

The plain fact is, there are some Americans who in the aggregate are consistently doing worse in our society. Groups that have had the odds stacked against them in unique way that require unique solutions, groups who have seen fewer opportunities that have spanned generations.

And by almost every measure, the group that is facing some of the most severe challenges in the 21st century, in this country, are boys and young men of color.

Now, to say this is not to deny the enormous strides we’ve made in closing the gaps that have mired our history for so long. My presence is a testimony to that.

Across the businesses, military, communities in every state, we see extraordinary examples of African-American and Latino men who are standing tall and leading and building businesses and making our country stronger.

Some of those role models who have defied the odds are here with us today. You know, the Magic Johnsons or the Colin Powells — who are doing extraordinary things — the Anthony Foxxes.

Anthony and I were talking yesterday about how both of us never knew our dads, and shared that sense of both how hard that had been, but also how that had driven us to succeed in many ways.

So those are examples of extraordinary achievement. We all know that. We don’t need to stereotype that there is no dysfunction out there.

But 50 years after Dr. King talked about his dream for America’s children, the stubborn fact is that the life chances, the average black or brown child in this country, lags behind by almost every measure and is worse for boys and young men.

If you’re African-American, there’s about one-in-two chance you grow up without a father in your house. Too, if you’re Latino, you have about one-in-four chance.

We know boys who grow up without a father are more likely to be poor and as a black student you are less likely to read as proficient in the fourth grade.

By the time you reach high school, you are far more likely to have been suspended or expelled. There’s a higher chance you end up in the criminal justice system. And a far higher chance that you are the victim of a violent crime.

Fewer black and Latino men participate in the labor force, compared to young white men. And all of this translates into higher unemployment rates and poverty rates as adults.

And the worst part is, we’ve become numb to these statistics. We’re not surprised by them. We take them as the norm. We just assume this is an inevitable part of American life, instead of the outrage that it is. That’s how we think about it.

It’s like a cultural backdrop force in movies, television. We just assume, of course it’s going to be like that. But these statistics should break our hearts, and they should compel us to act.

You know, Michelle and I are blessed with two beautiful daughters. We don’t have a son, but I know if I had a son, on the day he was born, I would have felt everything that I felt with Malia and Sasha, the awe, the gratitude, overwhelming responsibility to do everything in my power to protect that amazing new life from this big world out there.

And I want my son to feel a sense of boundless possibility. I want him to have independence and confidence. I want him to have empathy and compassion.

I want him to have a sense of diligence and compassion for himself, the tools that he would need to succeed.

I don’t have a son, but as parents, that’s what we should want, not just for our children but for all children.

(APPLAUSE)

And I believe the continuing struggles of so many boys and young men, the fact that too many of them are falling by the wayside, dropping out, unemployed, involved in negative behavior, going to jail, being profiled, this is a moral issue for our country.

It’s also an economic issue for our country. After all, these boys are a growing segment of our population. They are our future workforce.

When generation after generation they lag behind, our economy suffers. Our family structure suffers. Our civic life suffers. Cycles of hopelessness breeds violence and mistrust, and our country’s a little less than what we know it can be.

So, we need to change the statistics, not just for the sake of the young men and boys but for the sake of America’s future.

And that’s why, in the aftermath of the Trayvon Martin verdict, with all of the emotions and controversy that it sparked, I spoke about the need to bolster and reinforce our young men and give them the sense that their country cares about them and values them and is willing to invest in them.

And I’m grateful that Trayvon’s parents, Sybrina and Tracy, are here with us today, along with Jordan Davis’ parents, Lucy and Ron.

(APPLAUSE)

In my State of the Union address last month, I said I’d pick up the phone and reach out to Americans willing to help young men of color so America can reach its full potential.

And that’s what today is all about. After months of conversation with a wide range of people, we’ve pulled together private philanthropies and businesses, mayors, state and local leaders, faith leaders, nonprofits, all who are committed to creating more pathways to success, and we’re committed to building on what works. And we call it My Brother’s Keeper.

Just to be clear, My Brother’s Keeper is not some new, big government program. In my State of the Union address, I outlined the work that needs to be done for broad base economic growth, the manufacturing hubs, infrastructure spending.

I’ve been talking about what we feed to do to expand economic activity for everybody. And in the absence of some of those macroeconomic policies that create more good jobs and restore security, it’s going to be hard for everyone to make progress.

And for the last four years, we’ve been working through initiatives like “promise zones,” from lack of transportation to schools that are inflicted, and we’ll continue to promote these efforts in rural and urban schools.

Those are programs that we think are good for all Americans and we’re going to keep on pushing for them.

But what we’re talking about here today with My Brother’s Keeper is a more focused effort on boys and young men of color who are having a particularly tough time.

And in this effort, government cannot play the only or even the primary role. We can help give every child access to quality preschool and help them start learning from an early age, but we can’t replace the power of a parent who’s reading to that child.

We can reform our criminal justice system to ensure that it’s not infected with bias.

But nothing keeps a young man out of trouble like a father who takes an active role in his son’s life.

In other words, broadening the horizons for our young men, giving them the tools that they need to succeed will require a sustained effort from all of us.

Parents will have to parent and turn off the television and help with homework.

Teachers will need to do their part to make sure our kids don’t fall behind and that we’re setting high expectations for those children and not giving up on them — Well, feel free to stand up –

(applause) to help young boys at risk of dropping out of school.

Today it serves thousands of students in dozens of schools, as mayor of New York, Mayor Bloomberg, Michael Bloomberg, who’s here today, started a young man’s initiative for African-American and Latino boys because he understood that in order for America to compete, we need to make it easier for all our young people to do better in the classroom and find a job once they graduate.

A bipartisan group of mayors called Cities United has made this issue a priority in communities across the country. Senator Mike Lee, a leader of the Tea Party, has been working with Senator Dick Durbin, a Democrat from my home state of Illinois, to reduce disparities in our criminal justice system that have hit the African-American and Latino communities especially hard.

So I want to thank everybody who’s been doing incredible work, many of the people who are here today, including members of Congress, who, you know, have been focused on this and are moving the needle in their communities and around the country.

They understand that giving every young person who’s willing to work hard a shot at opportunity should not be a partisan issue. Yes, we need to train our workers, invest in our schools, make college more affordable, and government has a role to play, and, yes, we need to encourage fathers to stick around and remove the barriers to marriage and talk openly about things like responsibility and faith and community.

In the words of Dr. King, it is not either/or. It is both/and. And, you know, if I can if I can persuade, you know, Sharpton and O’Reilly to be in the same meeting…

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

… then it means that there are people of good faith who want to get some stuff done, even if we don’t agree on everything, and that’s our focus.

While there may not be much of an appetite in Congress for sweeping new programs or major new initiatives right now, we all know we can’t wait. And so the good news is, folks in the private sector, who know how important boosting the achievement of young men of color is to this country, they are ready to step up.

Today, I’m pleased to announce that some of the most forward-looking foundations in America are looking to invest at least $200 million over the next five years, on top of the $150 million that they have already invested, to test which strategies are working for our kids and expand them in cities across the country.

(APPLAUSE)

Many of these folks have been on the front lines in this fight for a long time. And what’s more, they’re joined by business leaders, corporate leaders, entrepreneurs who are stepping forward to support this effort as well.

And my administration is going to do its part. So, today, after my remarks are done, I’m going to pen this presidential memorandum directing the federal government not to spend more money, but to do things smarter, to determine what we can do right now to improve the odds for boys and young men of color, and make sure our agencies are working more effectively with each other, with those businesses, with those philanthropies and with local communities to implement proven solutions.

And part of what makes this initiative so promising is that we actually know what works, and we know when it works. What do I mean by that? Over the years, we have identified key moments in the life of a boy or a young man of color that will more often than not determine whether he succeeds or falls through the cracks.

We know this — we know the data. We know the statistics. And if we can focus on those key moments, those life-changing points in their lives, you can have a big impact, you can boost the odds for more of our kids.

First of all, we know that during the first three years of life, a child born into a low-income family hears 30 million fewer words than a child born into a well-off family. And everybody knows, babies are sponges. They just soak that up.

A 30 million-word deficit is hard to make up. And if a black or Latino kid isn’t ready for kindergarten, he’s half as likely to finish middle school with strong academic and social skills. So, by giving more of our kids access to high-quality early education and by helping parents get the tools they need to help their children succeed, we can give more kids a better shot at the career they’re capable of and the life that will make us all better off.

So, that’s point number one right at the beginning. Point number two, if a child can’t read well by the time he’s in third grade, he’s four times less likely to graduate from high school by age 19 than one who can. And if he happens to be poor, he’s six times less likely to graduate.

So, by boosting reading levels, we can help more of our kids make the grade, keep on advancing, reach that day that so many parents dream of until it comes close, and then you start tearing up. And that’s when they’re walking across the stage holding that high school diploma.

Number three, we know that Latino kids are almost twice as likely as white kids to be suspended from school. Black kids are nearly four times as likely. And if a student has been suspended even once by the time they are in ninth grade, they are twice as likely to drop out.

That’s why my administration has been working with schools on alternatives to the so-called zero-tolerance guidelines, not because teachers or administrators or fellow students should have to put up with bad behavior, but because there are ways to modify bad behavior that lead to good behavior, as opposed to bad behavior out of school.

We can make classes good places for learning for everybody without jeopardizing a child’s future.

(APPLAUSE)

And by building on that work, we can keep more of our young men where they belong, in the classroom, learning, growing, gaining the skills they need to succeed.

Number four, we know that students of color are far more likely than their white classmates to find themselves in trouble with the law. If a student gets arrested, he’s almost as likely to drop out of school. By making sure our criminal justice system doesn’t just function as a pipeline for underfunded schools to overcrowded jails, we can help young men of color stay out of prison, stay out of jail.

And that means then they’re more likely to be employable and to invest in their own families and to pass on a legacy of love and hope. And, finally, we know young black men are twice as likely as young white men to be disconnected, not in school, not in working.

We have got to reconnect them. We have got to give more of these young men access to mentors. We have got to continue to encourage responsible fatherhood. We have got to provide more pathways to apply to college or find a job.

We can keep them from falling through the cracks and help them lay a foundation for a career and a family and a better life. In the discussion before we came in, General Powell talked about the fact that there are going to be some kids who just don’t have a family at home that is functional, no matter how hard we try.

But just an adult, any adult who’s paying attention can make a difference. Any adult who cares can make a difference.

Magic was talking about being in a school in Chicago and, rather than going to the school, he brought the school to the company, Allstate, that was doing the work, and, suddenly, just that one conversation meant these young men saw something different. A world opened up for them.

It doesn’t take that much, but it takes more than we’re doing now. And that’s what My Brother’s Keeper is all about, helping more of our younger people to stay on track, providing the support they need to think more broadly about their future, building on what works, when it works, in those critical life-changing moments.

And when I say, by the way, building on what works, it means looking at the actual evidence of what works. There are a lot of programs out there that sound good, are well-intentioned, well-inspired, but they’re not actually having an impact.

We don’t have enough money or time or resources to invest in things that don’t work, so we have got to be pretty hard-headed about saying, if something’s not working, let’s stop doing it. Let’s do things that work.

And we shouldn’t care whether it was a Democratic program or a Republican program or a faith-based program or — if it works, we should support it. If it doesn’t, we shouldn’t, and all the time recognizing that my neighbor’s child is my child, that each of us has an obligation to give every child the same chance this country gave so many of us.

So, in closing, let me just say this. None of this is going to be easy. This is not a one-year proposition. It’s not a two-year proposition. It’s going to take time. We’re dealing with complicated issues that run deep in our history, run deep in our society, and are entrenched in our minds.

And addressing these issues will have to be a two-way bargain, because no matter how much the community chips in, it’s ultimately going to be up to these young men and all the young men who are out there to step up and seize responsibility for their own lives.

(APPLAUSE)

And that’s why I want to close by speaking directly to the young men who are here today and all the boys and young men who are watching at home.

Part of my message, part of our message in this initiative is, no excuses. Government and private sector and philanthropy and all the faith communities, we all have a responsibility to help you provide the tools you need. We got to help you knock down some of the barriers that you experience.

That’s what we’re here for. But you have got responsibilities too. And I know you can meet the challenge, and many of you already are, if you make the effort. It may be hard, but you will have to reject the cynicism that says the circumstances of your birth or society’s lingering injustices necessarily define you and your future.

It will take courage, but you will have to tune out the naysayers who say the deck is stacked against you, you might as well just give up or settle into the stereotype. It’s not going to happen overnight, but you’re going to have to set goals, and you’re going to have to work for those goals. Nothing will be given to you.

The world is tough out there, and there’s a lot of competition for jobs and college positions. And everybody has to work hard. But I know you guys can succeed. We got young men up here who are starting to make those good choices, because somebody stepped in and gave them a sense of how they might go about it.

And I know it can work because of men like Maurice Owens, who’s here today.

I want to tell Moe’s story just real quick. When Moe was 4 years old, he moved with his mom, Chavette (ph), from South Carolina to the Bronx. And his mom didn’t have a lot of money, and they lived in a tough neighborhood. Crime was high. A lot of young men ended up in jail or worse.

But she knew the importance of education. So she got Moe into the best elementary school that she could find. And, every morning, she put him on a bus. Every night, she welcomed him when he came home. She took the initiative. She eventually found a sponsorship program that allowed Moe to attend a good high school.

And while many of his friends got into trouble, some of it pretty serious, Moe just kept getting on the bus and kept working hard and reaching for something better. And he had some adults in his life who were willing to give him advice and help him along the way. And he ended up going to college and he ended up serving his country in the Air Force.

And today, Moe works in the White House, just two doors down from the Oval Office as the special assistant to my chief of staff. And –

(APPLAUSE)

And Moe never misses a chance to tell kids who grew up just like he did that if he can make it, they can, too. Moe and his mom are here today.

So, I want to thank them both for this incredible experience. Stand up, Moe, and show off your mom there.

Good job, Moe.

(APPLAUSE)

So, Moe didn’t make excuses. His mom had high expectations.

America needs more citizens like Mo. We need more young men like Christian. We will beat the odds.

We need to give every child, no matter what they look like, where they live, a chance to reach their full potential, because if we do, if we help these wonderful young men become better husbands and fathers and well-educated hard-working good citizens. Then, not only will they contribute to the growth and prosperity of this country, but they will pass the lessons on to their children, on to their grandchildren. We’ll start a different cycle. And this country will be richer and stronger for it for generations to come. So let’s get going.

Thank you. God bless you. God bless the United States of America.

roger and me

My brother and I had a rare opportunity to spend time with one another in Ohio last Friday when we attended the funeral of a dear friend who died last week.

One of our childhood friends arranged the funeral service for her aunt and then kindly asked to take a picture of the two of us together at the reception afterwards.  I really like the photo, don’t you?

In addition the mutual joy of being together again Roger and I became wonder-filled as we drove around the farmlands and little villages where we were raised.  Our day was filled with sorrow, but also many uncommon moments of joyful surprise.

For example, we chanced to meet a woman who has worked in the office for the machine tool company where my father, uncle and uncle’s father worked together for several decades.  It happened that she took a cell phone break just as we stopped in the parking lot to take some quick photos.  She proudly told us that they now manufacture hydraulic by-pass relief valves and celebrated their 100th year in business in 2012.

My dad was the “coffee guy” when he worked there and set up a stand next to his lathe for a little side coffee business in the shop.  His coffee was very popular among the workers and went for only 5 cents a cup, less if you were a regular user.   Just think, he was a precursor to the local Starbucks.

We especially enjoyed our unexpected conversation with a lady who had gone to eighth grade with our mother:  shortly after mom’s family  had moved to Ohio from the Oklahoma dust bowl and depression.   She also remembered our father even though he already would have graduated high school and began to recount his local renown for a fine singing voice.  She would likely be about ninety now  but continues to oversee the care of the township cemetery.

We also chatted with a nearby farm neighbor who told us that her mother, along with our grandmother, had prepared dinners for the farmhands at planting and harvest time during the 20′s, 30′s and 40′s.

Other old neighbors told us fresh and funny stories we had never heard before about themselves and our grandparents. We shared a few too.  Conversation after conversation began with a friendly introduction or inquiry just to see if a familiar last name would “ring a bell” and lead us to a shared history.  We were not disappointed.

My brother suffers from a neurological impairment that affects his gait and balance and causes him to become easily fatigued.  Nevertheless,  he was my gentlemanly companion:   he opened doors, he brought me a drink to the table at the beginning of the meal, and then, despite my protestation, he cleared the table for us both at the end.

Roger and I grew up through many hard times together, but we always have had a gentle and warm relationship.  I do remember teasing him when he was a very young brother, but quickly became so ashamed that I gave it up in horror at my mean and hurtful spirit. He did not hold a grudge.  And I am very blessed.

Your grief for what you’ve lost lifts a mirror
up to where you’re bravely working.
Expecting the worst, you look, and instead,
here’s the joyful face you’ve been longing to see.
Your hand opens and closes, and opens and closes.
If it were always a fist or always stretched open
you would be paralyzed.
Your deepest presence
is in every small contraction and expansion,
the two as beautifully balanced and coordinated
as bird wings.
Rumi

In honor of the 46th anniversary of our love commitment…

With a hammer and nails and a fear of failure we are building a shed
Between here and heaven, between a wait and the wedding
Or as long as we both shall be dead to the world
Beyond the boys and the girls trying to keep us calm
We can practice our lines ’til we’re deaf and blind
To ourselves, to each other, and it’s
Fall, not winter, spring, not summer, cool, not cold
And it’s warm, not hot, have we all forgotten that we’re getting old

With an arrow and bow and some seeds left to sow, we are staking our claim
On ground so fertile, we forget who we’ve hurt along the way
And reach out for a strange hand to hold
Someone strong, but not bold enough to tear down the wall
‘Cause we aren’t lost enough to find, the stars aren’t crossed by a line
And why fall hard not soft into
Fall, not winter, spring, not summer, cool, not cold
And it’s warm, not hot, have we all forgotten that we’re getting old

And it’s fall, not winter, spring, not summer, cool, not cold
And it’s warm, not hot, has everyone forgotten that we’re getting old
And it’s fall, not winter, spring, not summer, cool, not cold
And it’s warm, not hot, have we all forgotten that we’re getting old

Aoife O’Donovan (pronounced EEF-ah)(born November 18, 1982) is an American singer and songwriter. She is also the lead singer for the progressive bluegrass/string band, Crooked Still, and a member of the female folk-noir trio, Sometymes Why.

On Tuesday, January 31 at 7:30pm ET/ 6:30pm CT/ 8:00pm MT/PT/HI/AK tape delayed (local time). This exclusive concert event will be broadcast LIVE from the House of Blues® Boston and brings together four string virtuosos: world-renowned cellist Yo-Yo Ma, legendary Bluegrass fiddler Stuart Duncan, acclaimed bassist Edgar Meyer, mandolin wizard Chris Thile and guest vocalist Aoife O’Donovan. While each artist is a prominent figure in his own music sphere, they have come together as a unified ensemble on a most remarkable and organic cross-genre project. The music feels both new and familiar – it’s composed and improvised, uptown and down home, funky and pastoral and above all, uniquely American.

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Joan of Arc

I know this now. Every man gives his life for what he believes. Every woman gives her life for what she believes. Sometimes people believe in little or nothing yet they give their lives to that little or nothing. One life is all we have and we live it as we believe in living it. And then it is gone. But to sacrifice what you are and live without belief, that's more terrible than dying.--

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Beannacht

On the day when
the weight deadens
on your shoulders
and you stumble,
may the clay dance
to balance you.

And when your eyes
freeze behind
the grey window
and the ghost of loss
gets in to you,
may a flock of colours,
indigo, red, green,
and azure blue
come to awaken in you
a meadow of delight.

When the canvas frays
in the currach of thought
and a stain of ocean
blackens beneath you,
may there come across the waters
a path of yellow moonlight
to bring you safely home.

May the nourishment of the earth be yours,
may the clarity of light be yours,
may the fluency of the ocean be yours,
may the protection of the ancestors be yours.
And so may a slow
wind work these words
of love around you,
an invisible cloak
to mind your life.

John O'Donohue, Echoes of Memory

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